TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be great. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from location. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let's have An additional spot the place American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: supply All people a suite around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is delicate electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he ought to quit using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the job, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence Trump Tower Damascus storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping types a large Trump head noticeable from House, a element becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It really is not simply unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Perplexing Functions


Perhaps the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by company may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "wherever's the closest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is now attracting interest from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will likely involve:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort in which my PTSD might have convert-down support."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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